Heartfall, p.11
Heartfall, page 11
“Son, you need to watch yourself,” Robins says over Tiffany’s voice. It’s chaos and pandemonium in here, and I want to go back to the day I opened the bathroom door and Sebastian was standing there about to kiss me. There are so many things I wouldn’t change, but there’s one thing we’d have to do over because it is literally life-altering.
“Seriously?” Sebastian stares at Robins as he rips the letter open. “Or what?” His eyes drift down to the letter. Why would Audrina give him a letter? Why is she sorry? I didn’t think she was capable of feeling remorse. I know they’re partners, but that’s it. And why would she give it to Tiffany to give to him? Why wouldn’t she just give it to him herself?
“Sebastian,” I repeat, trying to bring his hotheaded self back down to earth, to reality. He’s going to get kicked out and then we’re really going to be in trouble. And he has explaining to do to me. Things aren’t adding up.
“What?” he snaps, his eyes full of fury. He takes a step closer to me and runs his finger down my cheek. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” He finishes the two-page letter, his face twists, and he shakes his head at Robins. “You know what? You’re a piece of work. I’m done here. I’m out.”
I look between Sebastian, Robins, Tiffany, the other girls waiting on class, and back at Sebastian, but he shoves the letter at Robins’ chest, then rushes out of the studio. “Sebastian. Wait!” I yell.
“Claire, I’m done. I’ll come by later. We need to talk.” He stops and kisses me quickly. “I love you.”
“You can’t be done. Don’t walk out. You didn’t mean those things.”
“I meant every last one of them. You know better than anyone I did.”
I take a step toward him, then glance back over my shoulder and shrug. Dance has been my life for twelve years, but Sebastian has been a part of that for equally as long. They mutually exist. How do I choose between the two of them? Everything he said was true, and I was sort of glad he said everything he did, but now that the words have been spoken and can’t be taken back, I feel bad for Robins. His expression was pathetic. I’ve never seen him without a smug smile on his face. “I’ll be right back,” I say to Robins.
What’s that syndrome where you actually feel bad for the person who makes you feel terrible about yourself? I’m not saying I have that, but I can’t believe that Robins has the kind of power to make you see a different image of myself in the mirror, make you want to be a different person entirely, and yet I’m actually sympathetic toward his emotional wellbeing. That’s messed up. Or maybe that actually means I’m human and have a heart.
Sebastian shakes his head when he realizes I’m behind him. “I told you I don’t have time to talk right now,” he says, walking out the door. “I have to go. Audrina’s in trouble.”
I narrow my eyes. “So, you’re what, her knight in shining armor now?” Has he forgotten what today is? What today means for us?
Sebastian nods toward the Jeep. “C’mon. I’ll explain on the way if you want to talk now.”
“I can’t. Mom’ll kill me if I skip class like that. And you can’t just quit.” I throw my hands in the air. “Because you wanna start your own studio is one thing, but because of Audrina?”
He glares at me. “Get. In. The. Car. Claire. Now.”
I swallow. “Fine.” Slamming the door behind me, I buckle my seatbelt and cross my arms.
“She threatened to commit suicide. At the pier.”
“Not to sound insensitive...after all the ugly things she’s done to us, I’m not sure how that’s your problem?” Okay. That was really mean. I blame hormones. Can I blame hormones already? He’s not even asked about me. Does he not care? What if he doesn’t? What if he finds out and he completely bails? “Sebastian?”
He glances over and it’s like he has a total epiphany, like the day and what it means floods him. “Oh, Claire. Today. The doctor.” He runs his hand through his hair. “And?”
Tears well in my eyes. “What are we gonna do?”
Sebastian continues to run that same hand through his hair and uses the other hand to grip the steering wheel. “What do you mean what are we gonna do?”
“How are we gonna have a baby, Sebastian? This wasn’t a part of our deal.”
“My parents will help us until we can do it ourselves. It’ll all be okay.” He reaches over and takes my hand. “Trust me.”
“How do you know where she is?”
“I don’t know. Her note mentioned the pier.”
“I don’t like this. You should call nine-one-one and let them handle it. That’s what I meant. Not that she should die, but that it’s not your problem.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t even know that she’s done anything or that she’s even there. It’s probably just a cry for help. Most people who commit suicide don’t actually tell people first.”
“I hate her.”
He glares at me. “I don’t like her, either. But she’s sick.”
“Ain’t that the truth?”
He puts the Jeep in park. “C’mon.”
Glancing down at my feet, I realize I didn’t bring a change of shoes. Sebastian broke these Suffolks in for me, and I hadn’t planned on ruining them. Capezios are one thing, but Suffolks are much nicer. He must know I’m at war with myself because he growls. “It’s no big deal. They’re just shoes, Claire.” Did I mention I hate Audrina? She has a way of eating her way into my life like a worm and spoiling my apples. And the memories of Sebastian and me on the beach in dance clothes and pointe shoes are now tainted with her. I slam the door behind me as we run toward the pier. He grabs my hand and whispers in my ear, “We’ll make more memories that don’t include her.”
“We’re having a baby, Sebastian.”
He smiles. “Imagine the memories we’ll make, the three of us.”
When the pier comes into view, so does Audrina. She’s standing at the end of it. My heart, which I haven’t had time to pay attention to, jolts in my chest as she climbs the railing. “Audrina!” I yell, but I don’t hear anything.
Sebastian drops my hand, kisses my cheek, and then sprints toward her. “I love you, Claire.”
“Please don’t. I love you. I love you, Sebastian. Sebastian!” My body freezes in place, but it’s like it’s being pulled in two different directions. I want to run toward her and toward Sebastian. It’s not like I can jump after them. It’s not just me. My hand goes to my stomach. There’s another life inside me. Bile rises in my throat. My mouth opens to scream, but nothing comes out.
To my horror, I watch as Audrina falls into the ocean and Sebastian goes in right behind her. My eyes close as flashbacks to the last time we were in the water together appear, when Sebastian just disappeared, and my throat constricts. “Sebastian!”
My feet finally start to move. My body makes its way to the beach, and I frantically push through the waves, tears streaming down my face as I pray he’ll slide up my legs like he did last time and lift me up and tell me how beautiful I am. That this is some kind of sick joke. But it isn’t. The sky darkens to a purple hue. The only tune that plays in my mind is an ominous one of doom. It reminds me of the sea and barges. It’s our song.
Splattering and splashing in the distance become more prominent, but I’m too focused on Sebastian and Audrina to chance a glance. Every time I think I’m getting close, they drift farther away. The currents are strong, and I know Sebastian is a good swimmer, but that means nothing out here. In fact, swimming could very well get you killed in a rip current. Especially when you’re trying to save someone who doesn’t want your help. Audrina seems set on taking them both under.
My breathing is becoming more labored, and I’m wondering if we’re all going to die out here. If our fate is to all be lost at sea. There’s no time to float on my back or drift and try to wait to get out of the current. I need to get to them. “Sebastian!”
For a moment, I see him glance in my direction. We make eye contact. It gives me the drive I need to push harder, to swim faster. We’re athletes. Sebastian has trained me for months to be in the best condition I’ve ever been in. Very few people work out more than us, train more than us. I can do this. So, I put my arm over arm and kick my feet a little more vigorously.
As I reach them, I watch Sebastian sink under the water and want to get him, but I can’t because I don’t even know how or where I’d begin to look. I’m treading water in circles. “Sebastian! Sebastian!”
Save Audrina or save Sebastian? No brainer. I dive and try to find him. Sand stings my eyes. Nothing is visible under the water. When I come up for air, I see someone else dive down, so I plunge down again too. Someone’s helping me try to find Sebastian. Salt water fills my nose, but I don’t care. My eyes aren’t helpful, so I reach my arms out and kick my legs, hoping to touch Sebastian. But nothing. When I come up for air, I come face to face with this other diver. Robins. I blink my blurry eyes, swallow, and dive again. I’m getting so tired. And even though I’m under water, that doesn’t stop my increasing sobs to the point my nose and throat are burnt from the salt. Every dive ends the same way for me.
But this time when I return to the surface, Robins has Sebastian in his arms, and he’s furiously swimming toward the shore.
Audrina is bobbing and screaming. If she wanted to die why is she still alive? His words haunt me. The people who want to commit suicide don’t usually tell you first. I’m so angry with her, but all I can think about is Sebastian. Every part of me wants to leave her out here. Turning away from her, I start to swim furiously behind Robins, but I can’t leave her.
“Claire!” I grab Audrina and pull her under me. “What are you doing?”
“Helping you.”
“Get your hands off me.”
I start to swim, or rather drag us toward the sand. “Sebastian would never forgive me if I left you out here. If what he just went through was for nothing.” For a minute, I almost left her out here to drown, because she’s a spiteful person, and my life would be better without her, but I never want to be like her. For a moment, I almost allowed myself to go there.
As we’re approaching the beach, sirens become more prominent. Then red and white strobe lights bounce off the beachfront buildings and glisten off the water. Robins is bent over Sebastian pumping his chest, breathing into his mouth. Once I get Audrina out of the water, I rush as close to his side as people will allow me, but that’s not very close. “I’m his girlfriend!”
“You have to stay back.”
“Please!”
I collapse into someone’s arms. “Please.” Tears rush down my cheeks. Paramedics take over and I find Robins. He holds me, and I sob into his chest. “He has to be okay. He has to be okay.”
I don’t remember anyone giving me a towel, the paramedics loading Sebastian onto the stretcher, putting him in the ambulance, Robins taking me to his car, or making it to the hospital. All I remember is the violet sky and people shouting one, two, three, four, five, six.
“Claire.” Mom knocks on the door. I bury my head in the mattress, covering it with the pillow, hoping to muffle everything, dull the pain, but it doesn’t work. She only knocks louder, says my name stronger. “Claire Bear.” It doesn’t matter. The door is locked, and I have no intention of getting up to undo it. “You can either open it, or I’ll pick it, but I don’t want to invade your personal space.” Tears have been permanently in my eyes since Sebastian let go of my hand on the pier. When I close my eyes, they overflow and empty down my cheek, so my skin is chapped from wiping them. My chest is so sore from trying not to cry.
“Please don’t cry, Claire. Please don’t cry because of me.” Those words will always haunt me now. I know he didn’t mean them quite like this. He thought I was strong, but I wasn’t. I’m not. He made me stronger, and now I must be completely weak because as hard as I’m trying not to, I have to close my eyes to blink, and when I do, I see him on the beach.
I hear, “One, two, three. Four, five, six.” I see the violet sky all over again. More than anything, I see his lifeless body, and the sobs uncontrollably take over me, and I just want to wake up. I want it to all be a nightmare, a bad dream. Because this wasn’t how our dance was supposed to end.
She must have picked the lock because arms wrap around my body, and I crawl into fetal position and cry, and cry, and cry. “Celeste called.”
“Did something change?” My body straightens. When we left the hospital, we were told he was brain dead, that there was no hope of recovery. I begged to stay, but Mom made me come to give the family some time to make decisions. It didn’t feel like that was the right time to tell her I am family—that I’m carrying his unborn child. The thought alone causes bile to rise in my throat. What am I going to do? I’m going to be just like her. It’s like her worst nightmare. And just yesterday I was thinking he and I could tackle the world—that we’d find a way to make it work. Who was I kidding? I’ve watched enough episodes of Sixteen and Pregnant to know that never works out. “What did Miss Celeste say?”
“They’ve decided to discontinue life support this evening and donate his organs. Help save some other people from what they’re going through.”
Closing my eyes, my chests starts to heave as the sobs return at the mere thought of my Sebastian being divided up into parts and passed around. But at the same time, the very thought that he could do good and save another life makes me so happy. He was a teacher, a helper, and I think he wouldn’t have had it any other way. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out, and I shake my head.
“It’s okay, sweetie.”
It’s not okay. It’ll never be okay.
“Do you want to go up one last time?”
Do I? Can I? Right now, my last memory of him is of his body on the beach, gray and lifeless having his chest pumped by EMTs. That’s not something I want to remember. But I also don’t want the recollection of Sebastian with tubes down his throat and all over his chest and his body, alarms beeping, and no smile on his face. And never being able to hear his voice again. I’m going to forget what his laugh sounds like and how he says my name.
Mom pulls me back into her arms as the tears blur my vision and my throat constricts. Sobs echo off my walls, and this time when I close my eyes, a different memory flashes before my lids. Sebastian on top of me, bringing me the most pleasure anyone ever has before telling me he loves me, and breathing becomes really hard. Oxygen too sparse. I squeeze Mom’s shirt and rock back and forth, covering my mouth trying to hide my wails. “Just let it out, Claire. Let it all out.”
“I d-don’t want t-to say goodbye t-to him. I d-don’t want him to go.”
“There’s not a lot of time, Claire. Do you wanna go? I think you’ll regret it if you don’t, baby.”
My mind can’t process all this. All I want to do is sleep…forever. I was going to say like Sleeping Beauty, except she didn’t sleep forever. She eventually got awoken by her prince charming. Mine’s already gone, and he’s never coming back. My chance is over. But what if our story is the opposite? What if my kiss could wake him? I swipe my eyes. “I’ll go. I have to go.”
Anyway, there’s no way Sebastian would have left my side if the roles were reversed. I don’t believe that for a minute, and now I feel guilty for letting her dissuade of ever stepping foot out of that hospital. I had every right to be there. Maybe I should tell her now why I had a very valid reason to stay. But I care about Miss Celeste, and I can’t drop this bomb on her right now. She has too much on her plate at the moment.
Pushing off my bed, I glance in the mirror. My eyes are puffy. The shirt reminds me of him. It’s in that picture on Instagram of us. “One more day, one more plié.” I never want to plié again. Not without him. In the mirror, I see him brushing my hair to the side, kissing my neck. His smile. My head drops and the tears purge from my eyes again. Where do they keep coming from? Gross snot seeps from my nose, and I wish I had kept his grandfather’s handkerchief. What I’d give to run my fingers over the silky R.
Mom lifts my left leg and slips my foot in a flip flop, then repeats with the other side. I’m bracing myself on my dresser. My tears are puddling on the surface, and I want to let my body sink to the bottom of their depth, for them to be deep enough so I can drown in them, so I can be the Juliet to my Romeo. But Juliet wasn’t pregnant. My sobs intensify. And I drape my arms over Mom’s shoulders. “I-I want this t-to be a bad dream. Make it stop.”
“I wish it was, baby girl. We need to go.”
My steps are always a little lighter than most people’s. I’m always up on my toes. If I need to get from point A to point B in the kitchen, there’s usually a twirl involved, maybe even a fouette. But never have I tried to walk on air the way I have right now entering this hospital because no matter how light I try to make my steps, the gravity defies my efforts and it’s like there are taps on the bottoms of these rubber soles and the floor is made of magnets. Each step results in a click and a thump. My heart jumps, my breath catches. I remind myself to breathe. Then, I repeat it all again with every single step and every single breath until we reach the elevator. My sweaty finger slides down the plastic button. The sensation of heat zaps my finger as light illuminates the up arrow. A faint ding echoes as the doors open.
Erik and Sierra step out, and she grabs my shoulders. “Oh, Claire.” She’s squeezing me so tight, I can’t move. Not that I want to. My eyes are immediately drawn to the posters in the elevator. Specifically the one with Sebastian holding Audrina in an advertisement for this year’s Nutcracker. My body starts to shake. I have to get away, but it’s like I’m having all the air sucked out of me.
“Let me go. I have to go.”
“We’re so sorry, Claire.”
Pushing past her, I start pressing buttons for all the floors that are above this one because I don’t even know where we’re supposed to be going before snatching the flyer right as my knees buckle. I sink to the floor, burying my hands in my hair, crumpling the paper in my hands, but then I think better of it. I need to save it. It’s a picture of Sebastian. One day, I’ll be happy to have it. But today, I can’t look at it because he’s with her. It should be her that everyone is mourning, not him. But instead, she’s in some psych ward while we’re here getting ready to give Sebastian’s organs away to people so they can have second chances like her. Everyone gets a second chance but him. “Ugh!” I hit the side of the elevator. I carefully rip her out of the poster. Then I rip her head off the picture. I hate her. There is no other word for this feeling.
